Towards the end of last year I started to become restless. I started noticing so many little details about people, about life, about situations that I hadn’t been noticing for a while. I started cleaning and de-cluttering my life. In the physical and metaphorical sense. I went through a massive cleaning of my room, followed by my wardrobe, my shoe closet and even my precious books. I started donating, gifting, and throwing things away and making room.
On a personal aspect, I did the same with habits, people and situations I found myself in. I started digging deeper into relationships I have (friendships, work relationships, romance, family, etc.) and I went through a tidying up process.
I tried to make amends with these that needed amends, voiced my concerns to rectify situations that didn’t serve me and didn’t make me happy, stepped away from things that were not my business, but I was somehow entangled in, pursued new relationships I wanted, and ended ones that were no longer serving me.
Initially I thought this was one of my “high” moods, one of my manic burst of energy and that they will whither in no time.
A while later realized, thankfully, that it has not withered, that it was not just an episode, and that suddenly I’m more aware of all the things around me, and I want more, I have an appetite for life, I want more out of my day, out of my hours, out of my friends. I want to receive more and I want to invest more, in worthier causes and to use my time better.
I speak less, and I listen more. I suddenly have the ability, the time and the tolerance to be there for my friends. To listen to what they have to say, to be there for them more, to make things about them again when they need me. I went back to exploring my body’s limitations and abilities in sports, I’m trying out new fitness classes, I’m reading more and I’m investing more time, on myself before anyone else.I stopped occupying myself with what others do, or don’t do. I’m adopting the mantra of live and let live and, all the sudden, it’s like all this free space, extra time and energy found its way inwards.
The unrest I felt in the beginning didn’t make a lot of sense, all these things I didn’t notice in the past couple of years, all these details that didn’t bother me, all these situations that I was fine with, and suddenly I wasn’t, confused me. What changed, what happened, why the sudden unrest.
I worried that I was being ungrateful, that I was being greedy by wanting more, and craving more, that I wanted so much to change, and I was not at peace with what I currently have all the sudden. Was I being bratty, entitled, ungrateful?I mulled that idea a couple of times, a lot of people said “just be happy with what you have” you’re in a good place. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not upset at what I have, I’m not sad, I’m restless, I want more, I want so so so much more and somehow, I can’t scratch that itch away anymore.
After a while, it dawned on me, I finally started to understand what happened. It took a lot of quiet mornings on my own, meditations, journaling, reflecting and really thinking for me to understand. I felt familiar again, I felt like me, the old me, the me, before the big grief (my dad’s passing); I was back to being the same me that wanted more from life than the things that didn’t serve her back in 2014; the same me, that uprooted her life,and went on one of the greatest adventures of her life.
I was back!
I came to term with the realities I couldn’t change, and as difficult as it was, I befriended my grief. I realized that I will carry it in my mind and my heart for as long as I live, but I also realized that we can co-exist. It’s sort of like signing a peace treaty and a co-habitation agreement.
It sits quietly and gently in a small corner in the back of my mind and heart. I let it be, and it doesn’t try to take over anymore. I came to understand that sometimes, the grief will come out to wander and take a small stroll, and I let it, I no longer fight it. It’s sort of this little miniature character that I personalized so that I can be able to befriend and live with, peacefully with minimal interruptions.
The dust settled, it’s as simple as that. Grief is like a sandstorm, it fills up all the spaces of the mind, it makes it cloudy and you’re unable to see clearly. The empty spaces are filled with sand particles, they don’t serve any purpose, they’re heavy and they simply take up space.
For three years, I was stuck inside the sandstorm, I couldn’t see clearly, I couldn’t breathe clearly, I was just surviving and not living. These are two distinctively different situations.
When surviving you make do with whatever comes your way, even if not ideal, even if not what you want, but it serves the purpose somehow, you settle, you accept, you don’t look for more. When surviving and navigating without a clear vision, you are afraid to take risks, to step outside the familiar paths, you go with the norm, because it’s safe, it’s secure and it won’t throw you off a ledge.
The truth is, I never believed that the “norm” existed. I don’t believe in chartered paths, and following in the footsteps of those before us (if you do, good for you, I’m not here to challenge your ideology; live and let live).
I always believed that life was a whirlwind of activities, adventures, and that we were put on this earth to celebrate the life we are given, and to celebrate what the soul, body and mind can do. I believe that so many places were created so beautifully because we were meant to explore them, to marvel at their beauty. I believe that I am a nomad at heart, meant to explore, to wander, to chase the stardust and yes, I believe in stardust and magical moments.
I stop to appreciate beautiful sunsets and I’m in love with cotton candy skies. I would rather starve than eat a bad meal, I’d walk miles to get to a bookstore I love, or to see a beautiful scene. I’d travel for hours, I’d explore, and yet I would sometimes be at peace with being absolutely still.
I learned that I am a dynamic character, I change and that’s not a bad thing. Some days I feel like following the noise, and exploring busy and bustling places; other days, I want to sit and turn my face towards the sun, read a book, or write, and enjoy the peace, and the inner voices in my head. I’m neither an introvert or an extrovert, I’m simply a mix of both, depending on what my soul and body crave at that moment. We were meant to think, to feel, to crave, to chase, so why confine my life in boxes of norms and should be?
Once the sandstorm of grief ended I understood all this, because I started gently sweeping my brain and my soul.Wiping away the sand and the dust to see things for what they really are, to notice the details, to appreciate the very good, and to work on the very not good. I started freeing up space, removing the unwanted particles that filled me, and I made room for new things to fill them. New adventures, new life, I made room for light within me basically and I feel lighter, I feel at peace.
The tricky part is, I now need to figure out, since the dust has settled, what comes next. How do I want to move, to fill these places, what do I want to let in, what do I want to pursue. It’s a fabulously exciting and scary phase to be honest.
It’s the good type of scary though, the scary that fills you with adrenaline, the scary that gives you crazy ideas to explore areas of your life you never thought of. I’m looking forward to what the next day, week, month or year even, brings. I realized that now that the dust has settled, I am no longer in survival mode, I’m in let’s celebrate the world, and let’s wholeheartedly enjoy life with everything it has to offer.
May you all chase the start dust in your life, find your light and may all your sandstorms settle, and the light find its way within you once more.I look forward to the next phase of my life, and can’t wait to share it with everyone.
Have a beautiful day.
One thought on “Once the Dust Settled”
30 years ago , free and time on my hands … that same place of mind .